I Choose To Honor And Love You

September 3, 2016

Hello everyone,

It’s been a while since my last post, but here I am!  Got through my latest stent replacement, MRI, oncologist visit and phone consult with my doctor in NYC; all while continuing to work full time.  I’d say that’s a good thing for someone who is in the biggest battle of his life!  Yep, I press on with renewed resolve to live a healthier cancer free life.  I’m also at the tail end of my five day cycle of detox.  This one always kicks my butt.  The fifth day is not a fun one, but tomorrow is a brand new day!

 My sister Joanne tells me my dad is looking and doing much better.  I can’t imagine what he feels like but my prayer for him is for God’s healing power to sustain and cover him.  I also pray that Dad allows Jesus to be his closest friend and that he will emerge as a new and refined vessel of honor for God.   Please continue to lift him up in your daily prayers.

September fourteenth is just around the corner now.  This is the day I meet with Dr. Isaacs in NYC.  As I said before, we purchased our airline tickets and booked our first Airbnb accommodations.  I’m a bit apprehensive about staying in a stranger’s home, but it was much more cost effective this way.  Also, Lulu has the opportunity to fly ahead of me to attend her eighty year old aunt’s wedding in Michigan.  This aunt is like a second mother to her.  She asked Lulu to come out for the wedding.  I’m so happy she’s going. I’m sure a break from me and being able to be with her family will be good for her.  She has not seen her relatives for many years, some since our wedding twenty three years ago.  Of course, this will make getting me ready to be gone for a couple of days really challenging.  But I’m grateful she has this opportunity.  She’ll meet me in NYC on Tuesday and we’ll fly home together Thursday.  Our kid’s will be on their own for a few days.  They’re both over eighteen and I’m sure they will be fine. 

We’re getting ready to place an order for more supplements on Monday; had to wait to order this time.  We didn’t quite have the funds to make a full order.   Also, we received a bill from the hospital for nearly a thousand dollars.  It’s the deductible we’re required to pay and then the insurance will pay the rest for this next year.  This is for the stent replacement, MRI and oncologist visit.  We also have a balance for last year that we’re making monthly payments on.  I just wanted everyone to know some of the other areas of need we have.  Please continue to lift us up in your prayers. Please consider giving as you’re able and want to invest in a great cause; me!  Either way I have always believed and continue to believe that where God leads He will provide. I want to also say thank you to everyone that has given lately.  It's what has sustained us over the last few weeks and I'm so grateful.

I also want to talk about my state of mind.  The last few weeks have been rough for me.  The reality of having cancer is a tough one to bear.  I’ve been going through the why me’s and I can’t believe this is happening to me's.  I battle feeling sorry for myself too.  I’ve been thinking about what life would be like around here without me.  I have seen death all around me recently also several people I know or know of have lost their battles with cancer.  I sometimes think "what makes me any different?  What makes me think I deserve to be here when several around me are now gone?  They were great God fearing people.   Why would God heal me when He didn’t them?  What makes me special?"  This all brings fear to my heart and I sometimes buckle under it.  I think about the enormous costs of choosing alternative treatment and having to beg my friends and family for money constantly.   I also feel the need to always be positive because people have given to my cause expecting me to be well.  I can’t let them down.  I haven’t made adequate provisions for my family; what will happen to them if I die?  The list goes on and on. 

I spend a lot of time wrestling with these thoughts recently.  I also have days where I rise above it all and truly believe I’m going to win this battle and be the biggest witness of God’s healing mercy.  I’m in the Bible daily and listen to music that lifts my heart.  I pray for everyone that I know that needs prayer.   I’m constantly reevaluating my life and trying to draw closer to God.  I’m also resolved to know Him like I’ve never known Him before.  How can I ever be the same after this? I can’t.  It’s impossible to experience what I’m experiencing and not be changed.  I want to touch the heart of God.  After all, I was created for His glory and He delights in me.  I know one thing for sure; I’m being refined like gold and the only way to refine gold is through the fire.  This is how gold is purified. The more times in the fire the more pure the gold is. 

I listen to the daily audio bible every day. Lulu and I have been listening daily for several years now.  We just finished the book of Job.  This book is always challenging for me.  I have always found it hard to believe that a good God would allow a good man to experience such heart ache and pain.  God knew Job so well and He knew his heart.  God also restored everything that Job lost and more.  Job lived a prosperous long life after all his suffering.  God also revealed Himself to Job and Job saw God and understood Him like never before.  Job was a righteous man to begin with, but after going through the fire Job saw God in a completely different light.  God was so much more than Job ever imagined He was.   Job repented for who he thought God was because he understood and saw Him with refined eyes now.  God revealed Himself to Job.  What a gift!

I want this fire in my life to change my love and understanding of God too.  Lord reveal yourself to me.  This is my prayer.  Help me to trust you in the midst of this storm.  I choose to honor and love you.

Dave